"Thoughts and Reflections" will discuss various issues and ideas that have provoked my attention.SELF ESTEEM
What exactly is self esteem? How do we define it and how do we measure it? We hear and read about it all the time. We know as parents how important it is in child rearing but how do we know if we are raising kids with positive self esteem.
There is no specific recipe for raising a child with positive self esteem. There are ideas and guidelines which I will discuss below. As you will see in most of the material I write, I believe there are a host of factors that contribute to low self esteem, to eating disorders, to anxiety problems, to depression etc. We must always consider environmental influences, psychological factors and biological issues. Environmental factors, for example, being what televisions shows our children are watching. Psychological factors being what type of family structure there is and biological factors being what type of temperament someone is born with. Two children can be raised by the same parents and one has a positive sense of self and the other has low self esteem.
I will discuss below some basic easy steps and ideas to enhancing self esteem in your family.
Step 1: Do not talk about yourself negatively in front of your children. It is okay if this happens once in a while but if it is happening consistently, it will impact their self esteem. Do not say, "I look so fat today" or "See my stomach, it is so big and ugly" or "I am so stupid". Many of the teenagers I work with that struggle with self esteem and eating problems will often tell me they vividly remember a parent saying these types of comments repeatedly. If you as a parent are having a bad day or feel any or all of those things, it is okay to say that but the negative comments should be kept to yourself. We are significant role models to our children, especially the same sex parent. It is crucial to role model positive self esteem.
Step 2: Reinforce positive attributes and behaviors in yourself and in your children. You do not need to constantly praise your children but you can let them know when they have done something important, special etc.. It is also okay to comment on things that are not okay. The way you comment on those things is essential. For example, if your daughters hair is messy and she is going to school , do not say, "Oh you look terrible, your hair looks horrible", instead try saying, "Hey, we forgot to fix your hair, once we style it, you will look great." If your teenager gets a poor grade on a test and you know they can do better, instead of saying "I can't believe you did so bad. What is wrong with you," try saying, "What is up with this grade, usually you do better. Is something wrong?"
Step 3: Keep fighting, yelling and arguing to a minimum in your family. This is easier said than done as we are all stressed as parents. Fighting and yelling really diminish self esteem. Children and teenagers do not feel good when their parents are fighting with each other or with them often. If you are struggling with this issue, there are many techniques available to help with anger management such as deep breathing, time outs etc.
Step 4: Validate, validate and validate!!! A few times a year, 60-80 teenagers get together for a spiritual weekend. These teens are from different schools and different backgrounds, many of them do not know each other. I had the pleasure last month to be at the closing ceremony to this great event. The lecturer stated that he felt the weekend and all the events that occur truly join and bond these teenagers because they all feel validation from each other. I could not agree more. I feel that all human beings no matter what age, gender or ethnicity want to feel validated. And feeling validated greatly enhances self esteem. Validating your children can be as simple as "I love you" or "you are so important to our family". Validating can be taking an interest in something important to them. It sounds so simple but we can get so busy in our daily lives that we forget to do these simple tasks that take moments.
If you as a parent incorporate these few ideas into your life, you will enhance your self esteem and your children's. I am only scratching the surface, picking a few items that are easy to do. If you are concerned about your low self esteem or someone in your family's self esteem, I am available for consultation. Good luck with these ideas. If you raise a child with a good positive sense of self, you have given him or her a gift. A gift that will be of tremendous value in their lives.
There is no specific recipe for raising a child with positive self esteem. There are ideas and guidelines which I will discuss below. As you will see in most of the material I write, I believe there are a host of factors that contribute to low self esteem, to eating disorders, to anxiety problems, to depression etc. We must always consider environmental influences, psychological factors and biological issues. Environmental factors, for example, being what televisions shows our children are watching. Psychological factors being what type of family structure there is and biological factors being what type of temperament someone is born with. Two children can be raised by the same parents and one has a positive sense of self and the other has low self esteem.
I will discuss below some basic easy steps and ideas to enhancing self esteem in your family.
Step 1: Do not talk about yourself negatively in front of your children. It is okay if this happens once in a while but if it is happening consistently, it will impact their self esteem. Do not say, "I look so fat today" or "See my stomach, it is so big and ugly" or "I am so stupid". Many of the teenagers I work with that struggle with self esteem and eating problems will often tell me they vividly remember a parent saying these types of comments repeatedly. If you as a parent are having a bad day or feel any or all of those things, it is okay to say that but the negative comments should be kept to yourself. We are significant role models to our children, especially the same sex parent. It is crucial to role model positive self esteem.
Step 2: Reinforce positive attributes and behaviors in yourself and in your children. You do not need to constantly praise your children but you can let them know when they have done something important, special etc.. It is also okay to comment on things that are not okay. The way you comment on those things is essential. For example, if your daughters hair is messy and she is going to school , do not say, "Oh you look terrible, your hair looks horrible", instead try saying, "Hey, we forgot to fix your hair, once we style it, you will look great." If your teenager gets a poor grade on a test and you know they can do better, instead of saying "I can't believe you did so bad. What is wrong with you," try saying, "What is up with this grade, usually you do better. Is something wrong?"
Step 3: Keep fighting, yelling and arguing to a minimum in your family. This is easier said than done as we are all stressed as parents. Fighting and yelling really diminish self esteem. Children and teenagers do not feel good when their parents are fighting with each other or with them often. If you are struggling with this issue, there are many techniques available to help with anger management such as deep breathing, time outs etc.
Step 4: Validate, validate and validate!!! A few times a year, 60-80 teenagers get together for a spiritual weekend. These teens are from different schools and different backgrounds, many of them do not know each other. I had the pleasure last month to be at the closing ceremony to this great event. The lecturer stated that he felt the weekend and all the events that occur truly join and bond these teenagers because they all feel validation from each other. I could not agree more. I feel that all human beings no matter what age, gender or ethnicity want to feel validated. And feeling validated greatly enhances self esteem. Validating your children can be as simple as "I love you" or "you are so important to our family". Validating can be taking an interest in something important to them. It sounds so simple but we can get so busy in our daily lives that we forget to do these simple tasks that take moments.
If you as a parent incorporate these few ideas into your life, you will enhance your self esteem and your children's. I am only scratching the surface, picking a few items that are easy to do. If you are concerned about your low self esteem or someone in your family's self esteem, I am available for consultation. Good luck with these ideas. If you raise a child with a good positive sense of self, you have given him or her a gift. A gift that will be of tremendous value in their lives.
