A Real Reflection
I asked a 17 year old female, that I have known all of her life, to write a brief description of her struggle with an eating disorder. Below is what she wrote
-Suzanne
I don’t remember the day I decided that I was “too fat”. I never got teased about it and it was never talked about among my family members. If it had been, I think my battle with Anorexia would have ultimately been much worse. It was just some little voice inside my head that thought it and that voice won over every other sensible one that I carried with me day to day.
I started eating less and less, creating my own diet of not eating anything that I perceived to be fattening, which ironically included almost every food. If I was eating a sandwich, I’d eat around the bread. All I drank was water; anything else was simply wasted calories. I slimmed myself down to around eighty-two pounds, a weight the middle school nurse told me multiple times was “extremely unhealthy for my average height and weight”. I had weighed in at 112 pounds the year before, when I was in seventh grade, and I later realized that I never even appeared to be overweight at that time.
I was lucky. Eventually I felt my body was slowing becoming a waif of nothingness. I looked down at the jutting out bones in my wrists and saw them for what they really were for the first time. I know this is something that is hard to see through the false visions Anorexia gives. But I can recall the exact moment that I decided I didn’t have to be this skinny; skinny to the point where I was shivering every minute, always cold, when I had, in previous years, bragged about being “warm-blooded” when others would grab for their jackets. This was not attractive. Something told me that I could eat something I was in the mood for and not gain any weight or be obligated to rush home to do my usual 500 stomach crunches that night. That scoop of chocolate ice cream was not going to make or break me. This is something that’s hard to understand at first when dealing with an eating disorder, but the realization can only come from within. No matter how much pleading anyone does with you to eat or how much counseling you receive, it’s up to you to believe those people that can view things in true light.
Eating disorders can arise from anything stressful that’s going on in your life and it’s important to share with someone how you’re feeling, as typical as that sounds. Don’t be afraid to talk about it and finally see your real reflection in the mirror.
-Ali
-Suzanne
I don’t remember the day I decided that I was “too fat”. I never got teased about it and it was never talked about among my family members. If it had been, I think my battle with Anorexia would have ultimately been much worse. It was just some little voice inside my head that thought it and that voice won over every other sensible one that I carried with me day to day.
I started eating less and less, creating my own diet of not eating anything that I perceived to be fattening, which ironically included almost every food. If I was eating a sandwich, I’d eat around the bread. All I drank was water; anything else was simply wasted calories. I slimmed myself down to around eighty-two pounds, a weight the middle school nurse told me multiple times was “extremely unhealthy for my average height and weight”. I had weighed in at 112 pounds the year before, when I was in seventh grade, and I later realized that I never even appeared to be overweight at that time.
I was lucky. Eventually I felt my body was slowing becoming a waif of nothingness. I looked down at the jutting out bones in my wrists and saw them for what they really were for the first time. I know this is something that is hard to see through the false visions Anorexia gives. But I can recall the exact moment that I decided I didn’t have to be this skinny; skinny to the point where I was shivering every minute, always cold, when I had, in previous years, bragged about being “warm-blooded” when others would grab for their jackets. This was not attractive. Something told me that I could eat something I was in the mood for and not gain any weight or be obligated to rush home to do my usual 500 stomach crunches that night. That scoop of chocolate ice cream was not going to make or break me. This is something that’s hard to understand at first when dealing with an eating disorder, but the realization can only come from within. No matter how much pleading anyone does with you to eat or how much counseling you receive, it’s up to you to believe those people that can view things in true light.
Eating disorders can arise from anything stressful that’s going on in your life and it’s important to share with someone how you’re feeling, as typical as that sounds. Don’t be afraid to talk about it and finally see your real reflection in the mirror.
-Ali
